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5 tips for LeBron James and his quest to conquer Mario Kart

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June 1, 2016; Oakland, CA, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James (23) is displayed on a TV while addressing the media in a press conference during NBA Finals media day at Oracle Arena. Mandatory Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports
Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

I’m not going to sit here and claim I’m nationally ranked in Mario Kart 64, due to the lack of historical records on file. However, I’m also not going to say that I wouldn’t be able to groom LeBron James into a top driver, parlaying his legendary status on the court with a side job of being absolutely feared on the sticks.

The Cleveland Cavaliers forward has used NBA 2K18 to visualize different lineup combos, but he’s recently gotten into some Kart, albeit the newer version.

“We have the most competitive team. Did you not see ‘Bron got a Nintendo Switch and is playing Mario Kart religiously until he’s gonna beat it,” Cavs’ Channing Frye said on the Road Trippin’ Podcast.

Here are 5 tips for ‘Bron to conquer the world — er, a video game that I’ve never once, in my entire existence, have played as if it was a matter of life or death.

1. Stick to the routine characters

As someone who strictly plays Mario Kart 64, I’m not fazed by others experiencing the newer editions. However, it’s an absolute insult to Nintendo for you to pick characters outside the ones in the 64 version. That’s cheating. Boo the ghost was never a driver, he’s a villain and a distraction. Link? As a driver? I’m appalled.

Luckily, LeBron plays as Toad. Fantastic, because so does yours truly.

2. Hoard your red shells; gamble with your green shells

There isn’t a bigger troll move than sitting in first place with a trio of red shells swirling around you. You get three red shells you can chalk up first place. But when you get green shells that can’t be guided like some heat-seeking missiles, bombs away, LeBron. Bank them off the railings, shoot them behind you, or my favorite, just throw ’em all at once and watch them pinball around the map two laps after releasing them.

3. Keep your vision sharp

LeBron’s a playmaker because he has eagle vision on the court. There’s not much of a difference when you’re on the sticks, King James.

Whether it’s avoiding a stray banana or upside-down question mark box, or lining up a shell-shot, you’ve got to keep the retinas sharp. I typically prepare for a game of Kart by munching on a bag of baby carrots before I hit the course.

4. KYP

KYP = Know Your Personnel.

Bowser doesn’t get small when he gets lightninged; Mario is always in the running to surpass you in Lap 3; Luigi and Mario always work together; don’t let Peach’s looks fool you, she’s a soul crusher.

5. Own your glitches

If you find a glitch in a course and capitalize on it to move up in the race, people will often criticize you for it.

Don’t let them.

Own it that you converted on a cheat and let the others cry about it. Or, you can do what I do and once you get a blue shell, let someone else pass so you can smoke them plus everyone else in your way.

Best of luck, King. Make us all proud. Especially me, do not let me down.

Alex joined FanRag Sports in October 2014 as a college football columnist and breaking news writer. A graduate from Eastern Illinois, he enjoys long walks to the fridge and alternate jerseys. He doesn't trust anyone that likes yellow Starburst and swears that he will be reincarnated as an NHL third-line winger.

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